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Absolutely beautiful, magical, and stunning. I wonder how well I’d adjust to such a simple, minimalistic life?  Do you question the same?

(Source: travelingcolors, via condenasttraveler)

So, do I travel back down that road? 

Back to being vulnerable and opening my heart?
Someday, perhaps.

But not now. 

Let’s fly

What great comfort His words provide.
So drained, so weary,
My soul longs for His warm embrace.
Tired of cynicism.
When will people learn to appreciate and fully see His grace and works?
Could this be what is thwarting AAIV from moving past its stage?
I don’t know, I don’t know. 
Tired of hearing people complain
or be blinded by their self-interests. 

Two. Birth

She wanted to be different.  But not in the typical sense.  Unlike other girls, she did not wrestle with her Asian physical features, maybe because they weren’t so Asian.  At the same time, they weren’t so Western either.  Nonetheless, she had been blessed with the envied creases above her eyes, a relatively sculpted jawline, and–-as adults would say–-a “sharp” nose. 

She wanted to be different.  She would cultivate her own dreams.  No way would she conform and follow the boring medical school or law school route. Her nose wrinkled as she cringed in disdain, reading the memos her Indian and Asian friends had written for their school’s annual “10 Years from Now” book.  They were all too systematic and predictable, wanting to go to either UCLA or Harvard Medical School.  Is that really what her friends dream for?  Or were they simply conforming to parental expectations?

She groaned and pushed away the pages. 

Until then, she had exuded an unassailable confidence about attending law school.  It made sense.  The world of law intrigued her excessively curious mind, and her skills aligned with those of a lawyer.  More importantly, it was in her blood.  That validated yet invalidated everything. 

One. Different

With a pair of red-rimmed Calvin Klein glasses clasping onto her ears and her mother’s navy Faconnable polo hanging loosely from her body, she gazed at the landscape dully.  Playing a rough game of dodgeball did not fancy her at all.  How her girlfriends could enjoy scrambling about in the confines of a white rectangular parameter under the blazing sun perplexed her. 

Everything seemed a bit too normal for her taste. Whatever happened to the bittersweet good-byes?  After all, they would graduate from the fifth grade and move on to middle school: a whole new, fiercer society. 

Perhaps, she was being unnecessarily dramatic, again.  Her friends never quite understood her emphatic nature, calling her the “weird one.”  Yet, despite such marginalization, she still yearned to be different.  And different is what she received. 

Summer Essentials 2012

Here are my Summer Essentials (2012)
1. Burberry Brit Button Down
2. Vince D-ring shorts
3. Marc Jacobs Sonja Striped Sweater
4. Ralph Lauren Pink Green Pony Polo
5. JCrew Pink Linen Blazer
6. Current Elliott striped tank
7. Ivory shorts
8. August Fedora Hat
9. True Religion Coral Denim

21st Birthday

My 21st birthday was 2 weeks ago, and I honestly did not expect anything so big, because well… it fell on the week of midterm season!  To think that my friends planned this for a month is what is more touching.  Jeanette and Paula created this beautiful Little Mermaid themed “10 Things We Love About You” gift and framed it! Shannon (a guy) baked my favorite Red Velvet Cake from scratch! My friends remembered for the past 2.5 years that Red Velvet is my favorite! I laughed when Amanda told me she told Paula to buy the most durable balloon, and Paula made the right choice of picking the balloon (see my collage)! So thankful that Michael, Meesoh, and Crystal celebrated with me, too.  Meesoh apparently went shopping with Shannon for the ingredients. What did I ever do to receive such warmth and affection? And, I know that I always groan when Crystal takes photos of me, but I genuinely want to thank her for being the parent that night, trying to document the night.

Ah, and Eric and Estie Kwak sent me beautiful birthday e-mails, too!  I nearly shed tears while reading what they wrote.  To top it off, not only did Ashley 언니 attend my surprise party, but she also remembered my birthday and treated me out to lunch.  Everything was just shockingly awesome. Speaking of which, the surprise party was definitely unexpected.  I’m still amazed at how gullible I am…

Every year, I’m always astounded by how my friends love me so much when I am so weak.

Blessed, indeed.

G’night.

Bearing fruit

Lord, Lord, I cry out to you.
So weary and weak, yet you always restore me and grant me strength.
You have provided from age to age and saved your daughter and people from plight.
We, created so beautifully and boldly in your likeness, love and worship you.
The one thing that always remains constant and never changes is your love, something that only bolsters the courage within. 
Your words, the light to my soul and of my life, act as a shield and source of comfort.
Come rescue me, O’Lord.
Sweep me from my feet and remind me of your promises.
I hunger to bring music to your ears and gather the best harvest and fruits of the season.

Only for You.

Beyond

Somewhere beyond,
Somewhere afar,
in the distance,
lies my heart.

With one glance, I see a timeline of my life unrolling itself like a film.  Yet, with another, I catch a glimpse of the gleaming future.  When did another 23,328,000 seconds of my life at Northwestern race towards the sunset?  Or, rather, the better question seems to be, “How did it happen?”  What should waver as a blur remains so vivid and clear.  Now, whenever I hastily pace to class along the sidewalks, I reminisce of Fall 2009 when the streets and roads looked more than daunting.  Like magic, Harris Hall has stationed itself by the Arch, in front of Kresge.  Apparently, the dreary, slightly—suffocating corridors of the dying building will encounter rebirth this summer.  While the rooms and hallways of Kresge do induce sleep and a sense of discomfort–not to mention eeriness–-its quaint and creepy aura defined much of my experience here.  Strange enough, it’s rather bittersweet bidding farewell to Old Kresge.  And as silly as this may sound, I may have difficulty accepting its makeover.  Reminds me a bit of plastic surgery.  Okay, perhaps, saying such is dramatic. 

Next year, they say, will be exciting.  The past 3 years have already exceeded my expectations above and beyond, so I question, “How will senior year materialize?”  It’ll be different needless to say.  Small and big changes.  Hopefully, my last 3 quarters in Evanston will surpass a mere “exciting” during the transitioning phase.  Transitions from junior status to seniority, official leader to unofficial leader, explicit to implicit, predictable to unpredictable. 

My decision to not do leadership for AAIV seems to affect me more than necessary.  The doubts floating in my mind probably please Satan.  He and I duke it out every day, but at the end of the day, he admits defeat to my Father.  Sometimes, I wonder if Satan has an inferiority complex.  I wish I could recommend him to go through therapy and to let go of his pride.  Lucifer, do you ever regret forsaking God? Don’t you miss his love? Don’t you miss being secure in him? 

The waves roll with the current, and my eyes gaze at the horizon.  The hues painting the sky mimic the gamut of emotions diffusing within.  Of the many, gratitude and relief are two.  Grateful for friends who love me.  Relieved to know I’m safe in God’s hands.  Toss in some ambivalence and anxiety, too, but… I think we can all agree that those two inflict harm rather than produce fruit.

Beyond… my understanding.  I need to not lean on my own understanding and trust His ways… desperately.

Pampered

Yes, a family friend just gave me a MCM wallet, and I don’t think it really helps with my already pampered character.  Sometimes, it’s rather eye-opening when I grow conscious of how my being spoiled shaped my overconfidence and aggressive nature.  Quite contrary to my rather petite stature, I am not a meek girl.  The fact that I’m small, independent, verbally strong, and at times blunt portrays my character as being intimidating, I think.  From an early age, I have desperately tried to soften my sharp speech and language.  Unfortunately, changes don’t happen as quickly or as easily as we all hope.  The process is still taking place, and all I can say is, “Thank God for grace.”  And yes, in the end, this post goes back to the idea of being pampered and does not simply gloat of the gift. 

On another note, my brain remains functional despite this overwhelming lethargy and mental discomfort.  Hoo-ah. Term paper… ah!  What a typical word vomit by me. 

Skinny love

You liked mocha, and I liked peach.  You would always tell your mom that I liked peach flavored ice cream. More than the taste, it was the scent of the sophistication that appealed to me.  The 110 calories per serving part only enticed me further.

Oh, but all these dimming details. Even I had to claw through file cabinets and drawers of memories to recall.

Sometimes, I wonder if you still remember the small things about me.  I’m still the same, young girl with a tender heart. 

Do you think we matured too quickly? Have you wondered how our experiences might have been different if we had savored the sweetness of our ice cream cones for a longer period?  Maybe it’s just me, but my taste buds seem to shy away from the peachiness now. 

My, my, my, my. 

창문밖으로 쳐다를 보면서

하루 하루가 눈 앞에서 멀어지고 없어진다.
몇초, 몇분, 몇시간.
그 모든게 손가락사이로 스르륵 스르륵 스쳐간다.
그 사이에 만들고 아끼던 추억들은 깊은 어느곳에 숨어있고
애정 어린 감정들은 계속 음직이고 있다. 
다시,
또 다시 생각을하면
마음은 정신없이 두근 두근 뛰어 잠시동안 숨을 쉬는것도 까먹게된다. 
한동안 한글로 쓰지않았던 나의 망설이는 손가락들도
숙고하고 또 숙고한다. 

이른 새벽에 깨는 것도 더이상 이상하지도 않다. 
오히려 나만의 친밀한 시간이 되어버렸다.
날씨가 흐려도 비가 쏟아져도
길거리가 까맣게 앉아도
강한 바람이 나무들을 무섭게 쳐도
우리의 아버지…
창조자가 훌령하게 만드신 아름다움을 즐기 수
있는 내가 감사하고 감탄할 수 밖에 없다. 

창문밖은 나의 노리터이다.

Temporarily forgetful…

With a throbbing headache comes a clouded mind and temporary forgetfulness.  What I may say next will sound ridiculous, but I’m sure you have experienced a similar occurrence at least once in your life as well. I almost forgot to flush the toilet… and turned around a minute later, realizing what had happened.  Naturally, my internal voice began narrating, “어머. 순간적으로 까먹었다.  나도 모르게… 까먹었다.”  Something minor, something negligible but something that made me wonder. 

Comfort

I never really had a comfort food. 

Maybe edamame beans or fruits. Wait.

No, I don’t have a comfort food at all.  Rather than the act of shoving edibles into my mouth, an odd mixture of hugging, writing, crying, painting, opening windows, and reflecting eventually soothed this soul.  Slightly exhausted and confined by the stale air in this apartment, I was more than ecstatic to hear the voices of my mom, younger aunt, and maternal grandmother. 

For those who don’t know, my mom is receiving medical examination in Korea, because doctors here don’t know how to diagnose her symptoms.  Of course, given that she is a U.S. citizen, this means she will pay a hefty sum there.  But, our family cares about her health and consider it to be a high priority, so money’s not an issue.

Well, listening to a clamor of females, aka the three ladies, warmed my heart.  It’s so clear that they’re related.  If possible, I would have yelled, “I love you” from Chicago to Seoul.  Chi-town to Soul-town, a distance impossible to cover without an airplane. Hey, but like they say, love conquers all.  Yes, now is your cue to chuckle. 

Although thousands of miles away, I could feel their warm embraces over the phone.  Silly enough,  tears coddled inside my throat, while a childish grin spread across my face.  And yet, again, another thumbprint of love satiated my cravings. 

Gooey, sticky, sweet, and filling thumbprints, indeed. 

Congolmeration of thanks

 The one thing I realize at every Core meeting is that, as humans, we never shower our thanks to God.  Maybe that’s why I reiterate “thank you” in my prayers so often—maybe more than necessary at times.  But, if you think about it, it’s through Him, that the strong hold sin has on us breaks.  We escaped enduring hell and received redemption, because he sent Christ forus.  Take a step back and dwell upon the words of John 3:16. Instead of reciting them so systematically and habitually, close your eyes and slowly whisper them. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  Would you ever sacrifice your child for this corrupt society?  Truthfully speaking, I’m not sure if I would have had the audacity which defined Abraham or the perpetual compassion God constantly exemplifies. 

Each of us exists as a unique individual with special gifts and blessings. Some flaunt envied heights and lithe limbs, some have the face of a beauty queen, some embrace tender hearts, some grew up privileged with a loving family and financially successful parents, and some possess the wits and intelligence.  Isn’t it amazing when you realize that God brings those different aspects together for one purpose–-His perfect plan?